I’m did it to myself. 

Once an empty void was open and susceptible to pain, I replaced it with busy nights and any kind of company I could find. I ran to meaningless friendships that were mainly dependent on senseless fun, but not to anyone I could really count on in full confidence. I felt so raw by myself to the point I was afraid that I could be too sensitive to anything that reminded me of you being home or being here with me. I tricked myself into thinking and feeling that I didn’t miss you all that much.

I didn’t want to experience it. Every ache in my body was from you not being able to touch me the way you used to. Every suffocating breath I felt in my soul was because I could no longer be able to smell your scent from my sweater anymore. It feels like my heart was ripped out and taken with you when you had to leave. Although it beats, it beats to every tear drop that has been longing to drop down my face, but has been unable to because of denial and my misunderstanding of my love for you. 

This is a glimpse of how much I feel for you and I have never felt the need to think and express it until now that we are separated from one another. 

When I eventually found someone to be there for me, I portrayed my pain as happiness in new companionship. I became dependent of them to make me forget what I was missing and to ignore going through the motions of feeling loss, pain, and vulnerability with myself. 

It wasn’t until I suffocated them with my immense attachment to our friendship, that I realized I was just running away from accepting the truth of my broken heart. I’ve been trying to sew it up together again with new memories of empty shenanigans and fake happiness. 

I was too afraid to be by myself and let my mind doze off to start thinking of you. 

But it’ll be alright because I’m slowly letting myself feel everything again. I’m falling in love with being vulnerable to my emotions. I’m accepting them instead of ignoring it. I am becoming okay with myself again. 

It is that start to becoming wholesome and satisfied.

"Don’t ever stray away from yourself to get closer to someone.”

To forgive is to face your pain over and over again and see where everything went wrong. It’s to actually feel the pain and just let it hurt you, not to suppress it. 

Although it’s something we don’t like, it deserves to be felt just like all the other emotions you have.